Going Home, Coming Home: Navigating Family Dynamics in College
Charlie, as an eager freshman, couldn’t wait to get to college and have new experiences. When the quarter ended, he was joyful about going home for the holiday. There was his mom’s cooking, his younger siblings, and his many friends who would also be home on break. Home was where he grew up as opposed to school which was where he went.
Now a senior, Charlie confessed to me, in a moment of candor, that his mom had a puzzled look on her face the first time he told her, “I need to get home and do some work,” when the end of the holiday had come. His off-campus apartment with his roommates had become home in a way he hadn’t realized and his mother came face to face with the reality of her young adult son creating home in some other place.
As a campus minister and the mother of adult children, I have seen this transition take place in the lives of students hundreds of times. In our house, it began with our daughter’s great desire to come home at Christmas and in the summer of her freshman year and came to fullness the summer of her junior year when she opted to stay and work on campus, returning to our house only for a brief couple of weeks before school began again. The transition from childhood to adulthood takes every parent and child through a range of emotions and reactions. If you are a student, it’s important to keep some things in mind:
Parents are not trying to make things difficult – they want to know that they are still relevant in your life. Your younger siblings aren’t trying to get on your nerves; they have missed you and want to know if you are still you. Build in some time during your visit to help them figure this out.
You don’t need your parents less, you need them differently. You may have to gently explain this on occasion. You need your parents to listen when you have a problem; you don’t need them to solve the problem. You need them to help you see possible solutions and to lend their support whatever the outcome; you don’t need them make the decision.
By the time you finished your senior year in high school, you were convinced your parents didn’t know anything. As you get closer to being on your own, you’ll be amazed at how much knowledge they acquire. Do them a favor, ask their advice from time to time. If they need it, lovingly thank them for their interest, suggestions and support and tell them that you will figure it out. If you do make a decision that is not what your parents would have chosen, help them to know that you aren’t rejecting them, but you are becoming the adult they hoped you would be.
Don’t forget that what you are using to “figure it out” is everything they have taught to you up until this moment. Be patient with their desire to give you more advice; be grateful for the blessing of your family. Love them as they go through the process of your growing independence. After eighteen or more years of protecting you, it’s hard for them to go “cold turkey.” At the same time, remember that the more you exercise good judgment and mutual respect, the more they will see they have done a good job.
Finally, fine-tune your sense of humor so you can laugh together at everybody’s mistakes in this critical time.
Mary Deeley Pastoral Associate and Director of Christ the Teacher Institute
Sheil Catholic Center at Northwestern University, Evanston, Ill.